You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.