You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
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[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Nice try, poison.
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Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.