You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.