You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
You Might Also Like
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Vodka burrito was a success
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok