You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?