you never know what burdens people are dealing with
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Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
grotesque if literal: baby food
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me