you never know what burdens people are dealing with
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Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them