you never know what burdens people are dealing with
You Might Also Like
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Reminder:
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.