you never know what burdens people are dealing with
You Might Also Like
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
not to brag, but mine was free
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.