Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

I love snow

– People who never shovel

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.