You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home