You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???