@jnapsalot

You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.

You Might Also Like

@DennisFarrell

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

@CCRuns

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

@SvnSxty

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

@chrisdelia

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

@notmythirdrodeo

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

@JDBooie

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

@StatusInBeirut

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.