Said the murderer.
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[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
The government even made aliens boring
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.