I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.
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2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
“TGIM!” – My liver
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Him: She’s always doing magic tricks
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: Check your pocket.
[he pulls out a piece of paper with ‘NO’ written on it]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Guide to DIY:
1. Double the cost estimate.
2. Double the time it should take.
3. Live with it for 3 months
4. Hire someone to fix it.