You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.

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2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer


Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?


What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?


Him: She’s always doing magic tricks
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: Check your pocket.
[he pulls out a piece of paper with ‘NO’ written on it]


[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees


I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.


I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.


Guide to DIY:

1. Double the cost estimate.

2. Double the time it should take.

3. Live with it for 3 months

4. Hire someone to fix it.