You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.

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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message


My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good


just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad


I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.


How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?


HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.


Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers


“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”


Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.