you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I’m the neighbor
