you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
m’lady
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.