you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”