you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
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Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house