Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”