you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real