you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
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Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.