Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Bootstraps

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”