You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
You Might Also Like
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
When you kidnap a writer.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Worst Native American name ever.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.