You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
