You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
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Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Cndnsd Mlk