You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
My neck my back my allergy attack
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake