You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
“No way.” -Jose
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve