When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
She puts the hot in psychotic
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.