Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

I can’t stop laughing at this

NOT all policemen are strippers.

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?