Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’