Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious