Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.