You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.