Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

#Caturday

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Blocked: 1985

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?