Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!