Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

I’m having an out of money experience.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.