You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Lmfao