Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Awwwww shit.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

Meow

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will