You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*