You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
You Might Also Like
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
This is a sub tweet
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern