Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

then why did i get this email

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.