You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
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The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I’ve had worse
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights