Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.