You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
how high up are we talkin’?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.