Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

#parenting

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.