You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.