You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I am, perchance
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.