You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids