You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You Might Also Like
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up