You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
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Finally a use for spoilers…
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
lmfao come on
