Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad