ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
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Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Worth remembering.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never