Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Velcrow
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Yup!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture