Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

Anarchy

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately