Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

you’ll never guess who died!! -how my mother starts every phone call

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

I just ran a .003048K

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”