YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
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I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Seems kinda suspicious
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle