you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
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My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”