You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
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I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…