You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
You Might Also Like
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids