You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
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*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?