Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes