Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

“I wouldn’t.”

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles