Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

😉😝

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.