Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad