You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.