You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
There’s only one good girl here!
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.