You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
💀💀
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together