You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Proctology is located in A55
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
what
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
the icebreaker
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.