You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect