You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.