You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
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I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
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a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.