You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
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My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Breaking news:
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz